January 28, 2008

Depression sets in. This is not where I want to be, who I want to be with (nobody). I’ve gotten nothing done all day. I went to the grocery and I voted. Big whoop.  I’ve alienated the girls by not wanting to go to Fford Ffiesta, and it was all my doing—the not going, that is. My work sucks. I’m cold. It’s 5:15 and I’ve nothing to look forward to. I don’t even have a DVD player, and the VCR movies are all crap. I’m fully aware that this is a temporary mood swing and that tomorrow I’ll be fine, but right this minute, I don’t care. I’m wallowing in self-pity. If there were any chocolate in this house, it’d be history. If it were 2:00, I’d hop on the bike and ride 6 miles to go get a chocolate bar, but it’s not...and I’m not so dumb I’d be riding these roads in the dark on my bicycle.

Too cold to go out. Too bored to stay in. I’m feeling guilty ‘cuz I ordered the windows and didn’t tell Elliott. (Yes, Elliott I did...$8k. I know it’s necessary—eventually; and I know I’ll feel better when the house is warmer, which they’ll help with, but I feel slimy. I was afraid if I told you, you’d talk me out of them. And I want anything at all that will get me warmer. Anything.) I just had two hot chocolates and they didn’t help, just made me feel guilty that I was eating something not healthy. Which isn’t healthy to feel that way. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

My life is full of shoulds. I should cook. I should work. I should clean.  I should have bought more tissues because this box is almost gone. I should protest all the damn gunfire from Fin & Feathers. To hell with all the shoulds. I think I’ll go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and feel better in the morning.